Exhaustion and Direction

Sometimes I just want to withdraw for a moment.

It's hard for me to admit that. I love people. I love spending time with them and giving them my full attention. I am no social butterfly, if we are going to stereotype, but my energy for long talks and deep thoughts is typically close to endless.

Not always, though.

When I think about the pending job, the ending job, and the perhaps-never job, I simply feel exhausted. In the last week, I have had people affirm my desire to eventually work with film, shoot down my aspiration to me a film editor, and remind me why my life is writing but my career doesn't have to be forever. It's a new concept for some of the people I grew up with--me not always writing. 

That isn't to say that I am changing my major or my current career path. Certainly not. I am still a writer and I have some pretty dang big hopes for that journey in the next three years. However, my other passion is moving images, and I intend to capture some of those in a way that impacts other people. That's a pretty fancy way of saying that I want to be a film editor, but it's the truth. May as well string it out in more attractive words. It's my talent...right?

Writing fiction and tutoring this semester were two experiences that taught me quite a bit about my abilities. While I would love to sell books someday, that is probably not going to happen at this point in my life. There are some writers at Northwestern who are far better at that than I am, and I greatly respect them. I am not a fantastic tutor, to be honest. Actually, I am probably quite a cruddy one. But if they learned a single thing from me, then I have done my job better than I could have before.

Unless something changes before spring semester begins in a month and two days, I am quitting Cardboard after this semester ends. It's nearly official--I say "nearly" because God tends to drop surprises on me. But I am trusting that He has been speaking clearly through Brianne, Michael, and some of my close friends on 3S. God has it under control. I certainly don't.

Back to feeling exhausted--I could blame it on dead week, but I honestly don't think I should. I must stop trying to please people with my decisions and move forward with what I see as the only logical step ahead. It frustrates me a bit when people who haven't had conversations with me since before this summer say, "You're a writer. That's what you do," and leave it at that. Yes, I am a writer. But I am also a child of the King. My roommate reminds me of that often. I should start living like I believe that.

Not really sure if this post even makes sense to people. Ha, and that reminds me of the post from this summer in which I went on a rambling rant and Nick told me that "You rambled a bit, yes, but I think I got the gist of it." Dang, I miss you, Nick. And everyone else in my Haven family. Dang.

On the bright side, I have three siblings to keep me sane. Yeah, I kinda love them a huge amount.

What a cheeser.

It's from this summer, but I just really love this one.

Throwback Thursday to the first day of classes...