The year I wish I could erase.
The past week has been one of silent reflection on my part.
At this time in 2013, I was nearly 19 years old and still pretty new to the college scene. Friends I thought I had secured early on in the year had collectively cut me out of their lives, and left me wondering how I could be so...well...unwanted. The rest of the spring semester would be spent watching dorm neighbors walk past my open door to go to dinner and never stop to invite me along. I hadn't yet built the friendships that lasted for the rest of my college career. That wouldn't happen for another eight or nine months.
I'm trying really hard to be diplomatic and not too dramatic when describing this time in my life, because quite honestly, it was absolutely horrible but necessary to get me to where I am now. Freshman year Justine tended to be far too clingy and had no idea who she was as a person, generally. In that respect, I can see why so many of those so-called friends decided to play on another playground without me. And at the risk of setting up my thesis a little too obviously here, I ended up not needing any of those people, anyway.
During that miserable semester, I built relationships with people from outside my immediate living area, for the most part. I also had no roommate, which allowed for way too much time spent with the door closed, watching TV shows seasons at a time and rolling out of bed the next morning to shower in five minutes and walk to breakfast. For anyone reading this who might be starting college soon or just getting into the swing of things, this is an example of how NOT to be a college student.
There was an up side to this time in my life, though. I discovered YouTube creators for the first time (sure, I had watched viral videos, but I had never really paid much attention to actual content creators). Right around 2013, YouTube was growing out of its early elementary years and had graduated to middle school. One of the few people living on my dorm wing who still talked to me made it a priority to introduce me to Olan Rogers, a storyteller with about 15 times more talent than most of the other uploaders to the site.
Most of the stories detailed painfully embarrassing or sometimes downright terrible life experiences Olan had as a younger person, dramatized only to the point of making it funny. Olan never pretended to be the grand prize winner, even when everyone raved about how funny he was. I fell hard for the style of comedy and story that Olan typically used in his videos, and five years later, I still follow his work closely.
Which leads me to the reason I am digging up memories from the year in my life that I would rather erase.
On Monday night, I curled up on the couch and watched episode one of a new animated show. One of my favorite creators made his television debut, followed by his late night show debut. A couple tears welled in my eyes and for a second, my nose stung with quiet emotions. An underdog had reached the top of the mountain. I don't watch many cartoons; they don't tend to be my genre of choice. However, I had been waiting to watch this show for years. Five years, to be exact.
Last year, Olan Rogers got the green light from TBS and Conan O'Brien to create Final Space, a sci fi adventure story based on a silly cartoon video he had released on his YouTube channel while I was still learning algebra. Olan pitched the concept that turned into a 10 episode event. Charming, clever, family friendly storytelling, helmed by a guy exiled on a space ship named Gary. After only one episode, I know I can remain invested, even if I didn't have a sentimental connection to the creator behind it.
When I pressed the power button on the remote and shuffled towards my bedroom at nearly 11 p.m. on a work night, I couldn't help but think of Freshman Justine. As I lay in bed, waiting for sleep, I reflected on the timing of this show's release. Many days this February when I opened my Facebook Memories, I found encouraging notes from people back home, mostly saying "Hey, I love you. Hang in there. You're strong. You're a great person and I miss you. Keep your chin up." All of those posts dated back to 2013. In the midst of my year of brokenness, some YouTube videos and little messages from concerned friends (and a sister) kept me from drifting away indefinitely.
Looking at those posts from the position I'm in currently, I can't help but draw a line from dot to dot, remembering the journey I never asked to take. From naive, friendless freshman to confident, filmmaking junior to settled, full-time employed college graduate, I lost nearly everyone I thought mattered in my immediate space and then gained so many others who built me back up. While I was never suicidal, I do believe that Christ's redemption in my life pulled me out of a dangerously low place. It took a year and a half of camp friends, a surprisingly united group of women on my wing sophomore year, and some hilarious videos by an overly dramatic bearded guy to heal those wounds.
Five years feels both so long ago and like it was just yesterday. 2013 is the year I wish was erased, but it also brought forth some of the deepest love for people I have ever acted upon. I'm not too outwardly expressive about my personal relationship with Jesus, generally. But He has worked in some mysteriously wonderful ways in the past five years. Besides my family, all of the people I love the most in the world came into my life after 2013. You don't see me complaining.
Do you have a year you wish could be erased? Or have you, like I am beginning to do, decided to pick up the pen and commit to tracing the dots from then until now?
At this time in 2013, I was nearly 19 years old and still pretty new to the college scene. Friends I thought I had secured early on in the year had collectively cut me out of their lives, and left me wondering how I could be so...well...unwanted. The rest of the spring semester would be spent watching dorm neighbors walk past my open door to go to dinner and never stop to invite me along. I hadn't yet built the friendships that lasted for the rest of my college career. That wouldn't happen for another eight or nine months.
I'm trying really hard to be diplomatic and not too dramatic when describing this time in my life, because quite honestly, it was absolutely horrible but necessary to get me to where I am now. Freshman year Justine tended to be far too clingy and had no idea who she was as a person, generally. In that respect, I can see why so many of those so-called friends decided to play on another playground without me. And at the risk of setting up my thesis a little too obviously here, I ended up not needing any of those people, anyway.
During that miserable semester, I built relationships with people from outside my immediate living area, for the most part. I also had no roommate, which allowed for way too much time spent with the door closed, watching TV shows seasons at a time and rolling out of bed the next morning to shower in five minutes and walk to breakfast. For anyone reading this who might be starting college soon or just getting into the swing of things, this is an example of how NOT to be a college student.
There was an up side to this time in my life, though. I discovered YouTube creators for the first time (sure, I had watched viral videos, but I had never really paid much attention to actual content creators). Right around 2013, YouTube was growing out of its early elementary years and had graduated to middle school. One of the few people living on my dorm wing who still talked to me made it a priority to introduce me to Olan Rogers, a storyteller with about 15 times more talent than most of the other uploaders to the site.
Most of the stories detailed painfully embarrassing or sometimes downright terrible life experiences Olan had as a younger person, dramatized only to the point of making it funny. Olan never pretended to be the grand prize winner, even when everyone raved about how funny he was. I fell hard for the style of comedy and story that Olan typically used in his videos, and five years later, I still follow his work closely.
Which leads me to the reason I am digging up memories from the year in my life that I would rather erase.
On Monday night, I curled up on the couch and watched episode one of a new animated show. One of my favorite creators made his television debut, followed by his late night show debut. A couple tears welled in my eyes and for a second, my nose stung with quiet emotions. An underdog had reached the top of the mountain. I don't watch many cartoons; they don't tend to be my genre of choice. However, I had been waiting to watch this show for years. Five years, to be exact.
Last year, Olan Rogers got the green light from TBS and Conan O'Brien to create Final Space, a sci fi adventure story based on a silly cartoon video he had released on his YouTube channel while I was still learning algebra. Olan pitched the concept that turned into a 10 episode event. Charming, clever, family friendly storytelling, helmed by a guy exiled on a space ship named Gary. After only one episode, I know I can remain invested, even if I didn't have a sentimental connection to the creator behind it.
When I pressed the power button on the remote and shuffled towards my bedroom at nearly 11 p.m. on a work night, I couldn't help but think of Freshman Justine. As I lay in bed, waiting for sleep, I reflected on the timing of this show's release. Many days this February when I opened my Facebook Memories, I found encouraging notes from people back home, mostly saying "Hey, I love you. Hang in there. You're strong. You're a great person and I miss you. Keep your chin up." All of those posts dated back to 2013. In the midst of my year of brokenness, some YouTube videos and little messages from concerned friends (and a sister) kept me from drifting away indefinitely.
Looking at those posts from the position I'm in currently, I can't help but draw a line from dot to dot, remembering the journey I never asked to take. From naive, friendless freshman to confident, filmmaking junior to settled, full-time employed college graduate, I lost nearly everyone I thought mattered in my immediate space and then gained so many others who built me back up. While I was never suicidal, I do believe that Christ's redemption in my life pulled me out of a dangerously low place. It took a year and a half of camp friends, a surprisingly united group of women on my wing sophomore year, and some hilarious videos by an overly dramatic bearded guy to heal those wounds.
Five years feels both so long ago and like it was just yesterday. 2013 is the year I wish was erased, but it also brought forth some of the deepest love for people I have ever acted upon. I'm not too outwardly expressive about my personal relationship with Jesus, generally. But He has worked in some mysteriously wonderful ways in the past five years. Besides my family, all of the people I love the most in the world came into my life after 2013. You don't see me complaining.
Do you have a year you wish could be erased? Or have you, like I am beginning to do, decided to pick up the pen and commit to tracing the dots from then until now?
I always enjoy your posts, but this one is especially good - for the content which could help others having a really bad week/month/year, as well as being so well written. / Kay
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate that! Lately I have been navigating what it looks like for me to be a writer at this stage in my life. Right now, it looks like I am going to stick with reflection.
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