Oh yeah, I still have a neurological disorder.
The next few weeks are going to be interesting, and maybe a little uncomfortable. At least, I know I am going to squirm a bit.
When I decided to write about my Tourette's after several years of leaving the subject alone, I was understandably apprehensive. What if all the progress I have made in talking freely about it just went down the drain as soon as I faced it in writing again? I have written about my TS before, though. Writers are supposed to bare their souls and I've faced far more terrifying subjects. What hasn't been properly addressed before now are my related...we'll call them "issues." More on that later.
I knew when I was a teen with Tourette's that the likelihood of my outward tics reducing in adulthood was high, especially as a woman with TS. What the articles and personal accounts didn't prepare me to deal with were the related disorders and quirks that would be unique to each case. During my research in high school and college, I learned that Tourette's is often paired with at least one other disorder. Perhaps ADHD, maybe OCD, likely some sensory issues.
Though my TS has taken less of a leading role in my life, my obsessive behavior and sensory issues have gotten worse, not better. For me, mild OCD has always appeared as the less well-adjusted sister of my TS. A bit later in the game, I noticed more issues with sensory processing as well. I don't think it is fair to branch off into my journey with OCD quite yet, considering this is supposed to be a "where am I now?" type of post related to Tourette's. So here's a teaser: every case of OCD is different, and your first idea of inconvenient might not include my experience with obsessive behavior, in particular.
Since writing that essay when I was 21, my mindset has shifted towards acceptance rather than educating myself. During college, I gleaned information about what Tourette syndrome looks like in different cases, and obsessed (surprise, surprise) over how to present myself confidently. But in order to grow up, I had to leave my insecurity in my back pocket instead of plastered on my face. Sure, I am fortunate to have a pretty mild case that is easy to harness in public, and the tics have subsided as I have physically matured. That doesn't make my case less important, though. I'm still a young adult quietly walking through life with a neurological disorder which has unknown origins and no cure. That's life and I've found ways to process its reality over the past few years.
So yeah. My tics aren't very noticeable most of the time anymore. Hooray for me? Maybe. That implies some level of shame or embarrassment on my part, which I am trying to leave behind. I don't want to dump every subject into one big post, so I'm going to leave my related struggles for the next couple of weeks, at least. There will be vulnerability...there will be secondhand embarrassment. Some elements of my experiences have been too cringey for me to describe outside of trusted close friends, so we'll see what I can handle talking about, okay?
If you made it through, thank you for listening. Thank you for caring about me, or at least being curious enough to skim my words. I've been afraid to write again for a very long time...and this is only the beginning.
When I decided to write about my Tourette's after several years of leaving the subject alone, I was understandably apprehensive. What if all the progress I have made in talking freely about it just went down the drain as soon as I faced it in writing again? I have written about my TS before, though. Writers are supposed to bare their souls and I've faced far more terrifying subjects. What hasn't been properly addressed before now are my related...we'll call them "issues." More on that later.
I knew when I was a teen with Tourette's that the likelihood of my outward tics reducing in adulthood was high, especially as a woman with TS. What the articles and personal accounts didn't prepare me to deal with were the related disorders and quirks that would be unique to each case. During my research in high school and college, I learned that Tourette's is often paired with at least one other disorder. Perhaps ADHD, maybe OCD, likely some sensory issues.
Though my TS has taken less of a leading role in my life, my obsessive behavior and sensory issues have gotten worse, not better. For me, mild OCD has always appeared as the less well-adjusted sister of my TS. A bit later in the game, I noticed more issues with sensory processing as well. I don't think it is fair to branch off into my journey with OCD quite yet, considering this is supposed to be a "where am I now?" type of post related to Tourette's. So here's a teaser: every case of OCD is different, and your first idea of inconvenient might not include my experience with obsessive behavior, in particular.
Since writing that essay when I was 21, my mindset has shifted towards acceptance rather than educating myself. During college, I gleaned information about what Tourette syndrome looks like in different cases, and obsessed (surprise, surprise) over how to present myself confidently. But in order to grow up, I had to leave my insecurity in my back pocket instead of plastered on my face. Sure, I am fortunate to have a pretty mild case that is easy to harness in public, and the tics have subsided as I have physically matured. That doesn't make my case less important, though. I'm still a young adult quietly walking through life with a neurological disorder which has unknown origins and no cure. That's life and I've found ways to process its reality over the past few years.
So yeah. My tics aren't very noticeable most of the time anymore. Hooray for me? Maybe. That implies some level of shame or embarrassment on my part, which I am trying to leave behind. I don't want to dump every subject into one big post, so I'm going to leave my related struggles for the next couple of weeks, at least. There will be vulnerability...there will be secondhand embarrassment. Some elements of my experiences have been too cringey for me to describe outside of trusted close friends, so we'll see what I can handle talking about, okay?
If you made it through, thank you for listening. Thank you for caring about me, or at least being curious enough to skim my words. I've been afraid to write again for a very long time...and this is only the beginning.
Keep writing <3
ReplyDeleteI promise I will.
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