I can't find the good words right now.

Sometimes there are feelings that don't have proper words.

I started journaling again. The last time I committed to writing words in a book on a regular basis, I was in the midst of surviving summer camp while deeply depressed and brokenhearted. I'm not sure if those entries still exist somewhere, but I certainly have not gone looking for them. You might think that being a former writing major would make me a regular writer, but I have never had the discipline to practice that habit. After graduating, I ran from journaling, partly from burnout and partly from fear of the lack of words in my heart.

If you have been reading my words for a while, you probably know that the first couple years after college were pretty isolated for me. I found myself fresh out of thoughts worth documenting, even privately. What triggered my return to the discipline of written word ended up being my realization that the words had never left my heart...they were simply buried so deep that I had lost them. So I came back to this blog, and most entries from this year have been rooted in my passions for loving people and loving Jesus. Still no journal entries, though.

Until this summer.

Around the beginning of June, I found myself deep in thoughts and feelings I didn't have a place to properly process. There were so many emotions swirling that I dug through my pile of unused notebooks and started writing every thought I had. Have you ever written stream of consciousness style sentences? It's quite an adventure to read back later...and not usually something to share with others. I think I got a little scared at my own vulnerability, which is funny since I don't typically shy away from being open about my feelings. After that night, I put away the notebook, telling myself I would come back to it, but not trying very hard to remember.

Here's where we need to freeze frame for context. I have honestly never felt closer to Jesus than I have this year. Between opening myself up to the love of good people and being willing to face some old demons in my life, I have felt the presence and love of Jesus more clearly than ever before. But I have failed at regular Bible reading for years and obviously that is a significant element of growing in faith. Writing down prayers weirded me out when I was younger, which is unfortunate given my lack of proper attention span when praying in my head. The times I have made the effort to combine stream of consciousness writing with prayer, though, I think I've found the authenticity of those words to be a good balance between practices.

You can hit play on the video again, friends. I promise I'm making a point here.

My oh my, what deep feelings have stirred in my soul the past month or so. Often when I have experiences or conversations or thoughts that impact my heart so heavily, I am able to talk it out with people or write about it here. But lately much of what Jesus has been doing in my heart has been too personal to put out for even close friends to process with me. Especially in the last couple of weeks, I've been reaching for that journal to leave pages of words that no one will read. And here's the thing: I'm not afraid of it anymore.

This might be one of the more disjointed posts in a while, and I apologize if that is the case. But I wonder if I'm not the only one struggling to find places to process properly, or to find words that actually express what I'm feeling. Maybe some of you are also rolling words around in your head, searching for ways to talk them out or write them down. Is Jesus leading you through a season of more feelings than you can share? I get it. You're not alone here.

Love you, babes. We'll talk again soon.