Heart Tug-of-War
The past week has been a living nightmare. I have a friend who likes a boy...and I am struggling with that. Yes, partly because of jealousy. But it is way more than that. The biggest problem is that I went through this same thing a couple years ago with Victoria, and I am afraid that I might make the same mistake that I made back then: criticize too much.
The reason why it has been a nightmare is because I am struggling to keep my mouth shut. Everyone I talk to about this seems to think that I am overreacting, but what they don't realize is that I carry an enormous amount of guilt and hurt from the last time this happened. It wasn't Victoria's fault that we had a falling-out. It was mine. I pointed fingers too much and I am ashamed to admit that my behavior was cruel and deliberately mean. I know that I am forgiven for that, but the deep wounds have not healed yet.
So when my friend wanted to talk with me alone, I instantly became nervous. My sister keeps telling me that I am going to be fine, but she is the only person who knows the entire story from start to finish. She was the person I would come to every night and pour out my "misery" (really it was my torturing of Victoria, but I didn't recognize that). Now Natalie is telling me to talk it out with her as if it was the actual "talk" until I can say everything without getting worked up. I have no idea where I would be without my sister!
As far as I know, the talk is tomorrow. It will be right before a worship experience at youth group that focuses on masks and why we wear them. What an appropriate time for this talk! I definitely cannot wear a mask tomorrow. It would ruin all the trust that has built up in the past year and a half.
So as I prepare for tomorrow, I am praying hard and long for the right words and attitude. There is plenty of deep emotion in my heart, and I must control it so that I don't speak more hurtful words. I cannot afford to repeat history. Lord, help me.
The reason why it has been a nightmare is because I am struggling to keep my mouth shut. Everyone I talk to about this seems to think that I am overreacting, but what they don't realize is that I carry an enormous amount of guilt and hurt from the last time this happened. It wasn't Victoria's fault that we had a falling-out. It was mine. I pointed fingers too much and I am ashamed to admit that my behavior was cruel and deliberately mean. I know that I am forgiven for that, but the deep wounds have not healed yet.
So when my friend wanted to talk with me alone, I instantly became nervous. My sister keeps telling me that I am going to be fine, but she is the only person who knows the entire story from start to finish. She was the person I would come to every night and pour out my "misery" (really it was my torturing of Victoria, but I didn't recognize that). Now Natalie is telling me to talk it out with her as if it was the actual "talk" until I can say everything without getting worked up. I have no idea where I would be without my sister!
As far as I know, the talk is tomorrow. It will be right before a worship experience at youth group that focuses on masks and why we wear them. What an appropriate time for this talk! I definitely cannot wear a mask tomorrow. It would ruin all the trust that has built up in the past year and a half.
So as I prepare for tomorrow, I am praying hard and long for the right words and attitude. There is plenty of deep emotion in my heart, and I must control it so that I don't speak more hurtful words. I cannot afford to repeat history. Lord, help me.
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