Beauty From Ashes
So the past week has been very rocky. I've had a fever since last Tuesday, and last Thursday was one of the worst days of my entire life...for reasons I won't go into detail about. What I do want to discuss are my thoughts on what I have been learning about myself this week...and what people who love me are trying to help me learn in the near future.
For exactly a week now, I have been walking around with a deep, dull ache in my heart and a heavy burden on my mind. Unlike other times when I have prayed about something, the weight did not leave when I gave it to God. It was as though my Father intended it to remain for a time so that I could keep digging. That last sentence sounds far more philosophical than I have actually felt this week. Maybe that's the problem.
See, I have been running for years from pain that I just can't seem to let go of. While I have forgiven the person who inflicted it, I never forgave myself for my role in the story, nor did I ever let go of the fear that something similar might happen again someday. Well, I've got news for everyone.
It happened this week.
Honestly, that is why there is such a deep ache inside my soul right now. I don't let go easily...that is partly a fault and partly a gift. That's what I learned about myself last night.
I also have a great deal of growing up to do. I am terrified to begin, and honestly, spring break could not be timed more poorly for the beginning of this process. Yet, maybe it will be better this way. Space for me to lay down the foundation for growth...time for me to grow a thin layer of skin over these fresh wounds. So much of my heart is screaming for things to rewind to August again...but I realize that God has a beautiful plan for my life--all of which is encompassed in the poor AND the proper choices that I have made since August 17, 2012. I have made a lot of each, and all of them have shaped me. It's time to examine what I have chosen to do with my life for the past seven months, and to decide what should be taken from it.
The reason that I am not in tears right now...the only reason that I am not feeling totally broken...is that God has placed people who care right in front of me. No matter where I turn, there is someone standing in my path, waiting to embrace me or counsel me. Whether it is at home for the next week and a half, here at Northwestern from March 13th on, or someplace that He hasn't revealed to me beginning in the spring of 2016...God is nudging people towards my life and whispering to me that it is going to be okay.
Last night, I was promised by one of those people that I would not be alone in my search to understand and grow. "You are never alone...we will be there for you every step of the way. There are people who love you." Perhaps that is why I am getting closer to being at peace with this pain. I know it isn't going to vanish or get better anytime soon, but I wouldn't want it to. I need this pain so that I have a reminder dangling over my head. Every time I am tempted to give up, I will remember this past week and all of the tears that have been shed. Every time I nearly check out, I will recall the night that I sat on the floor of my dorm room, sobbing in solitude with God as my only witness. Every day that I wake up with this memory imprinted in my mind, I will remind myself of last night when Hannah McBride gave me a hug and told me that we will get through this together.
So yes. My life has never been filled with so much pain...nor has it ever been so agonizing to sit in the same room as another individual without speaking a word about my pain. But my Jesus is going to make beautiful things out of these ashes that I call my life...He is going to redeem me in ways that I cannot fathom. This I know full well...this I believe with every ounce of my being.
For exactly a week now, I have been walking around with a deep, dull ache in my heart and a heavy burden on my mind. Unlike other times when I have prayed about something, the weight did not leave when I gave it to God. It was as though my Father intended it to remain for a time so that I could keep digging. That last sentence sounds far more philosophical than I have actually felt this week. Maybe that's the problem.
See, I have been running for years from pain that I just can't seem to let go of. While I have forgiven the person who inflicted it, I never forgave myself for my role in the story, nor did I ever let go of the fear that something similar might happen again someday. Well, I've got news for everyone.
It happened this week.
Honestly, that is why there is such a deep ache inside my soul right now. I don't let go easily...that is partly a fault and partly a gift. That's what I learned about myself last night.
I also have a great deal of growing up to do. I am terrified to begin, and honestly, spring break could not be timed more poorly for the beginning of this process. Yet, maybe it will be better this way. Space for me to lay down the foundation for growth...time for me to grow a thin layer of skin over these fresh wounds. So much of my heart is screaming for things to rewind to August again...but I realize that God has a beautiful plan for my life--all of which is encompassed in the poor AND the proper choices that I have made since August 17, 2012. I have made a lot of each, and all of them have shaped me. It's time to examine what I have chosen to do with my life for the past seven months, and to decide what should be taken from it.
The reason that I am not in tears right now...the only reason that I am not feeling totally broken...is that God has placed people who care right in front of me. No matter where I turn, there is someone standing in my path, waiting to embrace me or counsel me. Whether it is at home for the next week and a half, here at Northwestern from March 13th on, or someplace that He hasn't revealed to me beginning in the spring of 2016...God is nudging people towards my life and whispering to me that it is going to be okay.
Last night, I was promised by one of those people that I would not be alone in my search to understand and grow. "You are never alone...we will be there for you every step of the way. There are people who love you." Perhaps that is why I am getting closer to being at peace with this pain. I know it isn't going to vanish or get better anytime soon, but I wouldn't want it to. I need this pain so that I have a reminder dangling over my head. Every time I am tempted to give up, I will remember this past week and all of the tears that have been shed. Every time I nearly check out, I will recall the night that I sat on the floor of my dorm room, sobbing in solitude with God as my only witness. Every day that I wake up with this memory imprinted in my mind, I will remind myself of last night when Hannah McBride gave me a hug and told me that we will get through this together.
So yes. My life has never been filled with so much pain...nor has it ever been so agonizing to sit in the same room as another individual without speaking a word about my pain. But my Jesus is going to make beautiful things out of these ashes that I call my life...He is going to redeem me in ways that I cannot fathom. This I know full well...this I believe with every ounce of my being.
Thanks for being so honest, Justine! Looking forward to what our Lord is doing in your life! Love you! Mom
ReplyDeleteJustine, randomly clicked through to your blog from IVM earlier today, and thought I'd share a couple verses I ran across recently.
ReplyDeleteIn 2 Corinthians 1:8-9, Paul said: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."
I know I'm just some random stranger on the internet, but I wanted to say that I'm praying that God will reveal his plans for you, and use what you're going through to draw you even closer to Him.
-Christopher
Christopher, you are the third person to unexpectedly encourage me after reading my blog in the past year. It amazes me how God works to remind me that I am not alone.
DeleteIt means a great deal that you commented with that passage...I will keep it in mind. Thank you so much for praying!