Isolation Failure

So I conquered my fear. More than once. Hannah helped me and God was right there the whole time...and still is.
I don't know why I am up at 3 AM...yet I do know, too well. Obviously if I blogged openly about it, I'd have to delete the post immediately...since what I'm going through feels far more deeply personal than any sin or fear that I could hide from anyone reading this.
Here's the deal. Close to an hour ago, I quit watching episodes of Castle with the full intention of doing my now-customary 32 sit ups and then crashing on my bed to attempt sleeping. As soon as I stood up, a wave of absolute aloneness hit me so hard that I seriously felt like I was being run over by a truck with it. At first I just cried a little bit and thought some kinda negative things, but then it got more serious than that. I sat down cross-legged on the floor and gradually began sobbing.
Normally I don't cry very hard. For the first twelve years of my life, I avoided crying altogether. As you may know (if you've known me for more than a few years), Heather helped change that. Even so, I still don't cry openly unless I can't hold it back. Being alone this time made quite a difference, but I was still restraining my emotion remarkably well.
It didn't take much time for that to end, though. I finally just allowed myself to cry...and boy, did I ever. I don't think I had cried that hard or that long in at least a couple of years, save maybe one instance. One thing about the way I cry is that I am pretty good about doing it quietly. Well, I mostly succeeded in doing that this time...but if you could measure how badly I was shaking as sound waves, you would have a rock concert going on in Steggy 3N. And no, I am not trying to be funny.
Like I said at the beginning of this post...God is still here. I don't feel spiritually alone. In fact, I don't even feel alone relationship-wise. I have tons of wonderful friends in Fern, Steggy, and Hospers...not to mention some pretty sweet guy friends. But when it comes down to it...all I can think of is Hannah McBride's "Alone in the Desert" analogy. You know, the one that asks "So what if it's true?" about anything and everything that you believe about yourself.
You know what? I asked myself that tonight...and I didn't like the answer I gave. I know it is a horrible idea, but I looked back at my three years of failed friendships in jr. high and high school...and then I began to compare the way I had felt then to the way I feel right now. What scared me was that I didn't see any difference in the situations (wrong as it is), and I can see a trillion ways that I could blame myself.
"You failed." That's what my brain is telling my heart right now. "Way to go, kid. You failed."
There is so much inside of me that is screaming to punch something. Not to damage anything...not to hurt anyone (not even myself). Just to release something. Since Christmas break, I've just felt so isolated, I guess. Sure, I have built better friendships with some and new ones with others. But it feels like some of the other ones I had are slipping away.
There. I said it. Speculate and tell me how wrong I am all you want. That's how it feels, and that's how it felt (and was) when I was thirteen years old. So yes. I am falling back on the past and feeling the raw pain all over again. I dare you to tell me that it isn't something to dwell on. You think I don't know that? Oh, I know it, all right. I know it really well. It's what people have been drilling into my head for almost seven years, off and on. I am so freaking sick and tired of this crap that I can't seem to shake. Stupid memories of things that weren't actually my fault, but I made them mine. Connections in current friendships and situations to incidents that went badly when I was in high school, especially.
I'm always the one to make others feel better about their problems. Oh sure, I spill my guts all the time. Obviously, since I am willing to post this at all. But the thing that is most important to me when it comes to how I interact with others is how I will make their day better. I love people so intensely, and all I get in return is an emptiness inside when I feel as if I have given all I have to offer. AGH That sounds so selfish and I hate that so much. I love people. I really really really love people. Particular people make me want to run a marathon, and I HATE running. Sometimes I can't stand how much I love people. I've been told numerous times how cool it is that I am this way. Well, it doesn't feel very cool right now. In fact, it feels horrible.
I'm surrounded by over a thousand people my own age every single day...and yet I can't manage to shake the isolation. And every time I feel isolated, I make it worse by pulling away even more. Yeah, that's gonna help. "Way to go, kid. You failed."
I hate this...I hate this...I hate this so much. I'm building friendships and feeling further away than ever. I freaking live three feet from people whom I see from a distance a few times a day, and MAYBE have a three sentence conversation with them in a given day...or WEEK. I sit next to people in chapel who I call my friends...my family...my sisters...and we say no more than "Hi, how are you? Hope you are more rested now. Have a good day." Yeah, and that's four days a week. And people wonder why I spend more time with other friends on campus right now. Well, there you have it. I feel alone here.
Was it my roommate who drew the visitors to our door last semester? I know people are busy...but not as busy as they were during dead week and finals week...and they were around a WHOLE lot more then. I'm not looking to be the one with people in my room all the time...just to feel noticed without having to wave my arms in front of people's faces.
I am so afraid that if I post this blog, people will see this as a grab for attention or a pity party. Then I'll get the concerned faces showing up out of sympathy. THAT would make me want to punch a clown about a hundred times. But how many times have I actually complained on this blog? Not many, as far as I know. How often to I complain on Facebook statuses about this? NEVER. So yeah. If I get sympathy attention, there really will only be one thing to say: "You failed."
I chatter away the day all the time to people simply because I process things through talking about them. I KNOW I talk a lot...you really think that I love the sound of my voice? Ha, fat chance. No one has heard it as much as I have...besides God. In fact, I get freaking sick of my own voice after a while. Maybe that's the problem. I'm filling in for the thoughts that aren't being fed to me by others.
Yeah. I stared at the poster on my wall full of well-wishes from my graduation party. I stared at it, read the notes from people I love so much, and I cried. A lot. You know what stood out the most? The huge print near the center: "Love you!-Marci (Psalm 3:5-6)." I looked the verse up just now to refresh my memory, and almost cried yet again. God is good, all the time. All the time...God is good.
He is. He is good. He is so good. And no matter how completely horrid I feel right now, He is good. Even if I failed...big time...He is so very good.