Let's Talk About This
If you have been following my Cardboard writing, you will already know that I recently wrote about my struggle with melancholy. For most of the time that I have been here at Haven, I've wrestled with frequent bouts of melancholy, which I suspect stemmed from my insecurity about the way others view me. I probably wouldn't be writing about it right now, except that I hit a breaking point this week.
Two nights ago, my emotional state had escalated to where I could hardly function around other people. Only a few of my friends have ever seen me like that before, and I was told by those people that it was one of the scariest moments in our friendship. After the staff meeting on Thursday night, I headed to the girls' barracks to change clothes for night games. When I check my phone, I had a voice mail from Natalie. This was the second night in a row that I had missed a call from her; the sound of my sister's voice brought the emotional walls crashing down. While attempting in vain to stop the tears, I called her back.
Michael answered and that gave me a second to compose myself. But when Natalie got on the line, I broke down completely. Like the best friend that she is, the only question asked was, "What's wrong?" From there, I spilled (quite literally) everything that had been weighing me down for a month.
I won't tell the entire story in detail, but Natalie strongly encouraged me to actually talk with someone here about what was bothering me. She eventually made me giggle for the first time in hours, which was an emotional release in itself.
From there, I went to campfire (I definitely missed night games). I simply could not get into the fun songs, and the camper testimonies felt as if they dragged on forever. They were great, but I just wasn't checked in. The worship songs were slightly more engaging, but I still felt almost physically separated from the rest of camp. So afterwards, I had a talk with Madi and finally let go of everything that I had been holding inside. I also had a talk with Jenni about some things that was extremely helpful as well.
This story may seem like a ramble to you, and it might very well be just that. But the important thing is that I woke up on Friday morning feeling better than I had in weeks. I know that this battle is not over, and I also know that I will have more days when I doubt others' love for me. Nevertheless, people are here for me and I am at more peace than I have been in a long time. God is so good.
Two nights ago, my emotional state had escalated to where I could hardly function around other people. Only a few of my friends have ever seen me like that before, and I was told by those people that it was one of the scariest moments in our friendship. After the staff meeting on Thursday night, I headed to the girls' barracks to change clothes for night games. When I check my phone, I had a voice mail from Natalie. This was the second night in a row that I had missed a call from her; the sound of my sister's voice brought the emotional walls crashing down. While attempting in vain to stop the tears, I called her back.
Michael answered and that gave me a second to compose myself. But when Natalie got on the line, I broke down completely. Like the best friend that she is, the only question asked was, "What's wrong?" From there, I spilled (quite literally) everything that had been weighing me down for a month.
I won't tell the entire story in detail, but Natalie strongly encouraged me to actually talk with someone here about what was bothering me. She eventually made me giggle for the first time in hours, which was an emotional release in itself.
From there, I went to campfire (I definitely missed night games). I simply could not get into the fun songs, and the camper testimonies felt as if they dragged on forever. They were great, but I just wasn't checked in. The worship songs were slightly more engaging, but I still felt almost physically separated from the rest of camp. So afterwards, I had a talk with Madi and finally let go of everything that I had been holding inside. I also had a talk with Jenni about some things that was extremely helpful as well.
This story may seem like a ramble to you, and it might very well be just that. But the important thing is that I woke up on Friday morning feeling better than I had in weeks. I know that this battle is not over, and I also know that I will have more days when I doubt others' love for me. Nevertheless, people are here for me and I am at more peace than I have been in a long time. God is so good.
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