A Conversation With Yourself

After you have experienced that moment of feeling completely helpless to explain yourself, you just want to bury your head in your arms and not speak to anyone for an hour. Feeling like a fool...when you understand yourself, but it feels as though no one--save one or two--have truly heard what you were really saying. That moment in time when all you want to do is play calm music...but your heart is screaming melodic power metal lyrics with such a passion for Jesus that you feel helpless to stop it...that's when you need to stop and think about what is truly happening in your heart.

Everyone whom you desperately want to understand is either unavailable or simply cannot seem to do so. To hear one person in the group say, "I get it. It's going to be okay." That would be everything. Perhaps not. But it feels that way. For the first time in your life, you truly, passionately desire to change something drastically. You are at last acknowledging the same words that your mentor told you two years ago: "You have to replace it with something positive." It's true. You have to. So what are you going to do about it?

What happens when you realize...in the midst of typing this...exactly the choice that you are going to make? What will you say to those who wait for you? How will you explain to the ones who do not yet understand? Do you even need to? Ah, that is the true question. Perhaps the answer will always be 'no.' 

Then you remember that this was supposed to be a decision made at the end of the weekend, not the beginning. You were supposed to pray and ponder throughout the day, then choose between your options. All you did so far was simply say to your Father, "Show me." And then it comes to mind: you asked God to break you during church last Sunday. It has happened. Gratitude is an inadequate reaction.

No. It does not need to be understood by everyone...nor supported or liked. It is your struggle, your choice, your walk with Jesus, your trust in His faithfulness in the past to guide you correctly and safely. Most importantly, it is your life to be changed by Jesus' crazy love and grace. Stop dwelling on how people might react and be confident in your faith. You've always been one to trust Him so willingly...don't stop now.

It is nearly 3 AM. Go to bed. Your new life can only begin if you end the old way of doing things.