Aching Yet Joyful
It's 12:30 in the morning, curfew is at 1 AM, and I should just go to bed. But I am waiting for a download to finish and it is Thursday night, so here I sit in the staff lounge.This has been a better week for me in some ways, and worse in others. I'll start with the negative, since I really should end on a good note.
My top love language is quality time, which is best fulfilled with only a couple of people at a time. It is so difficult to be filled when everyone else runs on a different schedule than you do. My biggest struggle has been to remember that those people still love and value me, even when they have to say "no" to my cry out for human contact. The hurt that I could probably nip in the bud before it grows is usually a festering wound by the end of the day.
My heart will ache for just five minutes with a single person, and they are busy when I need it the most. The more it happens, the less I hide my frustration. I am ashamed to admit that I snapped a few times and grumbled a little too openly a few others. It's awful of me, but it's the truth. Quite honestly, my whole being longs for that one-on-one time more than ever right now. So many things on my mind to work through...but no one to truly discuss them with. It hurts, but what can people truly do about it? I am a selfish human.
On to the positive. For starters, I have so much peace about a situation that I probably should not discuss here right now. Jesus is holding me in His beautifully safe arms, and I am not afraid to move forward.
Jenni told me before focus time that I have seemed happier during the past couple of weeks. Well...yes. I am. That's what the joy of the Lord does to a person. Although I really hate parts of my life right now, God is faithful forever and I know that His plan is perfect and matchless.
Also, I am relying on Jesus to prepare me for next week, which is high school camp. I'm a session leader (still praying about the specifics of what I am speaking on) and I am pumped to talk with people not much younger than me about what it looks like to follow after Jesus when you're in high school. My prayer is that they will be able to learn from some of my mistakes or oblivious actions before they go through what I did at their stage in life. I am passionate about sharing what Christ has been teaching me...and now I get to do it. Praise Jesus, for He is good and marvelous.
With that being said, I will close this post with an encouragement. Jesus makes the most beautiful things out of sooty, disgusting ashes. Jesus loves even me...and that is not a negative remark about myself; it is the truth. Even when I don't love myself, He is still so very in love with me just the way that I was made.
God loves me, and God's love is enough.
My top love language is quality time, which is best fulfilled with only a couple of people at a time. It is so difficult to be filled when everyone else runs on a different schedule than you do. My biggest struggle has been to remember that those people still love and value me, even when they have to say "no" to my cry out for human contact. The hurt that I could probably nip in the bud before it grows is usually a festering wound by the end of the day.
My heart will ache for just five minutes with a single person, and they are busy when I need it the most. The more it happens, the less I hide my frustration. I am ashamed to admit that I snapped a few times and grumbled a little too openly a few others. It's awful of me, but it's the truth. Quite honestly, my whole being longs for that one-on-one time more than ever right now. So many things on my mind to work through...but no one to truly discuss them with. It hurts, but what can people truly do about it? I am a selfish human.
On to the positive. For starters, I have so much peace about a situation that I probably should not discuss here right now. Jesus is holding me in His beautifully safe arms, and I am not afraid to move forward.
Jenni told me before focus time that I have seemed happier during the past couple of weeks. Well...yes. I am. That's what the joy of the Lord does to a person. Although I really hate parts of my life right now, God is faithful forever and I know that His plan is perfect and matchless.
Also, I am relying on Jesus to prepare me for next week, which is high school camp. I'm a session leader (still praying about the specifics of what I am speaking on) and I am pumped to talk with people not much younger than me about what it looks like to follow after Jesus when you're in high school. My prayer is that they will be able to learn from some of my mistakes or oblivious actions before they go through what I did at their stage in life. I am passionate about sharing what Christ has been teaching me...and now I get to do it. Praise Jesus, for He is good and marvelous.
With that being said, I will close this post with an encouragement. Jesus makes the most beautiful things out of sooty, disgusting ashes. Jesus loves even me...and that is not a negative remark about myself; it is the truth. Even when I don't love myself, He is still so very in love with me just the way that I was made.
God loves me, and God's love is enough.
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