Control is a Myth
6 months. That about how long it had been since I had let the darkest part of me take over my life. Had been. Until last night.
Maybe it wasn't a quick process. Perhaps it truly was a downward spiral. I mean, there are things that have been weighing my mind and my heart down in the past few days. Could it really be that I have so little control that I cannot avoid this simply because I have too many thoughts spinning around in my brain?
Oh wait. Control. Yeah. Now there's a concept that we all have poked with a stick. How many times have I looked in the mirror and reminded myself that I cannot change how other people are--only how I am? The hardest part is that control is actually a myth. All it takes is one wrong move and the entire tower topples over with you still in it.
Sure, I can spout all the wisdom in the world about control. That doesn't change the reality that we all try to have it anyway. I do, I know that for certain. When it comes to the C word, the most dangerous moment is right before you say, "I've got this." As soon as you smile at God and tell Him, "Don't worry about it...I'll let you know when I need help," you are in for a really painful fall. Usually, we don't realize we're saying that. I think that by having the mentality of self control, we become careless and unconsciously push God away.
So what am I going to do about this? Ha, well there is really only one option that is acceptable: pray and don't let guilt take over my life--again. I have been free of that burden for a couple of months now. I don't need to be like the fool in Proverbs 26:11 (Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.). No. I am going to be new.
When I started this post, I was going to dwell on the negative. If you've read posts on this blog from before college, you'll know that I have a Master's Degree in pessimism and I have been known to take many online classes for self-hate. I'm still typing because I had to start a new habit.
I'm going back to school, y'all. See ya when I have a degree in optimism. My teachers tell me I'm getting good grades so far.
Maybe it wasn't a quick process. Perhaps it truly was a downward spiral. I mean, there are things that have been weighing my mind and my heart down in the past few days. Could it really be that I have so little control that I cannot avoid this simply because I have too many thoughts spinning around in my brain?
Oh wait. Control. Yeah. Now there's a concept that we all have poked with a stick. How many times have I looked in the mirror and reminded myself that I cannot change how other people are--only how I am? The hardest part is that control is actually a myth. All it takes is one wrong move and the entire tower topples over with you still in it.
Sure, I can spout all the wisdom in the world about control. That doesn't change the reality that we all try to have it anyway. I do, I know that for certain. When it comes to the C word, the most dangerous moment is right before you say, "I've got this." As soon as you smile at God and tell Him, "Don't worry about it...I'll let you know when I need help," you are in for a really painful fall. Usually, we don't realize we're saying that. I think that by having the mentality of self control, we become careless and unconsciously push God away.
So what am I going to do about this? Ha, well there is really only one option that is acceptable: pray and don't let guilt take over my life--again. I have been free of that burden for a couple of months now. I don't need to be like the fool in Proverbs 26:11 (Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.). No. I am going to be new.
When I started this post, I was going to dwell on the negative. If you've read posts on this blog from before college, you'll know that I have a Master's Degree in pessimism and I have been known to take many online classes for self-hate. I'm still typing because I had to start a new habit.
I'm going back to school, y'all. See ya when I have a degree in optimism. My teachers tell me I'm getting good grades so far.
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