I love me, I love me not
So this week marks the beginning of a fresh start in my life. I went on the all campus retreat with thirty-four other people from Northwestern--including faculty, their families, and my beautiful R.D., Hannah McBride. The main theme for the weekend was "ONE"--Oneness with others, with ourselves, and with God. Hannah was one of the three speakers, and she talked about oneness with ourselves...something that she and I had been talking about a lot in the days beforehand.
In my small group, we talked about loving ourselves--BEFORE we went to Hannah's session. We discussed loving others as we love ourselves, and how it is hypocrisy to say that we love others when we are not loving ourselves first. It hit me like a load of bricks when I realized that I was pretty much being a hypocrite every day of my life. See, Hannah had confronted me about whether or not I loved myself...and I had realized that it was truly something I had struggled with my whole life without knowing it...or at least without acknowledging it.
I came home from the retreat rested yet confused. How was I supposed to learn to love myself...and until I did, was I supposed to stop telling people that I loved them? Would I be lying to myself if I did nothing about this problem and continued to say that I loved people? I went to Praise and Worship on Sunday night with this running through my head at a million miles an hour. About halfway through worship, I simply stopped singing and started praying.
For a while, all I could pray was, "God, I can't...I just can't do it." My head was down and my face was mostly hidden by my jacket...which made it easier for me to finally allow the tears to come. It took a while for the tears to actually flow...it wasn't a violent cry by any means. But maybe that was better. As I stood there softly weeping and praying--sometimes in a whisper, sometimes silently--I felt a hand rub my back and pat it rather hesitantly. Kali. The offer of support in the very moment that I felt most alone was God's timing and nothing else.
When the song was over, I reluctantly brushed my damp hair off of my face and sat down, rubbing my eyes with my palms to get rid of the tears. A good ten more minutes to simply stand fully vulnerable in the presence of God would have been beautiful, but clearly God was pulling me back into reality. It was like He was reminding me that in order to love myself, I would have to deal with other people and how they view me as well.
As I sat there, sniffling quietly as I calmed myself down, Kali put her arm around me and pulled me over in the pew for a hug. Ella clasped my hand--still damp with tears--in her own on the other side of me. All I could do was squeeze Ella's hand and rest my head on Kali's shoulder in utter exhaustion. If you have never experienced God's breaking of you...then let me tell you that it is emotionally and physically taxing, but SO worth it.
At the end of the service, the worship leader prayed...and he asked God to help us learn to love ourselves. I about lost it at that. If I hadn't been reminded of this struggle of mine enough--God wanted to whisper it in my ear one more time that night.
In the days since then, I have slowly begun the painful and difficult process of healing from 18 years of lying to myself. I can honestly say with joy in my heart that I am starting to love myself for exactly who I am. Not who I was...not who I want to be. WHO.I.AM.RIGHT.NOW. I'll say it in plain English: I love myself. Maybe not as much as I should or will with God's help...but I love myself. I am exactly who God intended me to be on the outside...and I am striving to become who He intended me to be on the inside.
So. This explains a few Facebook statuses, several vague conversations, and many thoughts that have run through my head this week. Any questions? Please please please talk to me about this. I simply cannot contain my joy and I want everyone to know what God is doing. :D
THAT'S what's up.
In my small group, we talked about loving ourselves--BEFORE we went to Hannah's session. We discussed loving others as we love ourselves, and how it is hypocrisy to say that we love others when we are not loving ourselves first. It hit me like a load of bricks when I realized that I was pretty much being a hypocrite every day of my life. See, Hannah had confronted me about whether or not I loved myself...and I had realized that it was truly something I had struggled with my whole life without knowing it...or at least without acknowledging it.
I came home from the retreat rested yet confused. How was I supposed to learn to love myself...and until I did, was I supposed to stop telling people that I loved them? Would I be lying to myself if I did nothing about this problem and continued to say that I loved people? I went to Praise and Worship on Sunday night with this running through my head at a million miles an hour. About halfway through worship, I simply stopped singing and started praying.
For a while, all I could pray was, "God, I can't...I just can't do it." My head was down and my face was mostly hidden by my jacket...which made it easier for me to finally allow the tears to come. It took a while for the tears to actually flow...it wasn't a violent cry by any means. But maybe that was better. As I stood there softly weeping and praying--sometimes in a whisper, sometimes silently--I felt a hand rub my back and pat it rather hesitantly. Kali. The offer of support in the very moment that I felt most alone was God's timing and nothing else.
When the song was over, I reluctantly brushed my damp hair off of my face and sat down, rubbing my eyes with my palms to get rid of the tears. A good ten more minutes to simply stand fully vulnerable in the presence of God would have been beautiful, but clearly God was pulling me back into reality. It was like He was reminding me that in order to love myself, I would have to deal with other people and how they view me as well.
As I sat there, sniffling quietly as I calmed myself down, Kali put her arm around me and pulled me over in the pew for a hug. Ella clasped my hand--still damp with tears--in her own on the other side of me. All I could do was squeeze Ella's hand and rest my head on Kali's shoulder in utter exhaustion. If you have never experienced God's breaking of you...then let me tell you that it is emotionally and physically taxing, but SO worth it.
At the end of the service, the worship leader prayed...and he asked God to help us learn to love ourselves. I about lost it at that. If I hadn't been reminded of this struggle of mine enough--God wanted to whisper it in my ear one more time that night.
In the days since then, I have slowly begun the painful and difficult process of healing from 18 years of lying to myself. I can honestly say with joy in my heart that I am starting to love myself for exactly who I am. Not who I was...not who I want to be. WHO.I.AM.RIGHT.NOW. I'll say it in plain English: I love myself. Maybe not as much as I should or will with God's help...but I love myself. I am exactly who God intended me to be on the outside...and I am striving to become who He intended me to be on the inside.
So. This explains a few Facebook statuses, several vague conversations, and many thoughts that have run through my head this week. Any questions? Please please please talk to me about this. I simply cannot contain my joy and I want everyone to know what God is doing. :D
THAT'S what's up.
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