Learning to Love Differently
So guess who wrote an article for Cardboard about her experience with self-love? Yup, I did. The first draft was critiqued by my classmates and professor, and their comments were a lot less painful to hear than I had expected. I just finished the second draft about an hour ago, adding my own story to make it easier for people to relate. I sent it to my editor and prayed that it would make the cut without much change. For the first time since I started this job, I am terrified to see my own work published. My biggest fear is that the editor will cut out things that my classmates and professor loved and that it will no longer feel like my article anymore.
Okay, moving to a slightly different topic. I have been wrestling a question for a couple of weeks now, and just recently came to peace about it. Since coming to Northwestern, my ways of showing love to people (and receiving it) have changed quite a bit. [For more elaboration on what that has looked like, check out this post Quality Time or Touchy Feely? ] The methods of showing love that I was restraining due to the lack of receptiveness from my wingmates turned out to be things that I had loved about myself before I learned to love ALL of me. These were traits and habits that people back home had pointed out as endearing and often they were some of the favorite things about me, according to my closest friends and my family.
This troubled me. Was I changing who I was as a person...in a bad way? Was I losing a part of me that I loved for unhealthy or unnecessary reasons? It brought me to tears once and hindered my regular thinking process dozens of times. I prayed, I asked questions of my closest friends on the wing, I called Marci, and talked to both of my siblings about it...still I was unsure.
Michael had some good words for me: “Perhaps you can find other ways to show love. Take me for example. I don't show love through touch. It's just the way I am. However, if I was with people who were that way all the time, I would have to make a few changes. Change isn't always bad. Even change as a person. That's how we grow. Change. Since we are supposed to love one another, we need to find a way to make it work. Learning to receive love in different ways and praying that others will do the same might be a way to help the predicament. Loving yourself is connected to loving others, but don't let a recalculation of how you love others get in the way of learning to love yourself. If you do, you'll hit a brick wall, and not be able to love yourself OR properly love on others."
While I attempted to digest all of that, I talked to Jess about it a few times. While neither of us were sure what to make of it, she did tell me that maybe it wasn't a bad thing that I was changing in this way. Marci didn't have too much to say about it besides "I'm sorry and I love you." (That probably was the best thing she could have said--'I love you,' I mean!) I finally decided to talk with Kali about it. After all, she is a really deep thinker and usually has something to say on topics that actually makes sense.
I set up a supper date with her on Friday night, hoping and praying that this would help clear up my confusion. When I presented the issue to her, Kali did indeed have something to say immediately. It's funny...when I express my thoughts right away, it's often a dangerous act because I think aloud most of the time. But when Kali does it, she has already thought about the topic before and has drawn conclusions ahead of time. That's probably one of the reasons I love talking to her...at least, when I want an opinion. ;)
She told me, in more words than Michael speaks in a day sometimes (just kidding, but it does seem that way!), basically the same thing that my brother had said. She explained that all of the people who loved those things about me had known me for much longer, and that was why they were more comfortable with it. "We've known you for four months! Sometimes it feels like longer than that, but it really hasn't been long enough to establish the same types of friendships."
I am summarizing quite a bit, I know. But the point of this post is to tell you that I am learning to accept that almost everyone here is not going to be receptive to my compliments, my hugs, and my saying "I love you" a lot. It isn't any easier for me to stop, but at least I am learning how to love these amazing women in ways that I never would have tried at home, simply because I hadn't thought of them.
So yeah. God is got. My brother is freakin' wise, and Kali Jo Wolkow is amazing and makes my life more interesting--always in a good way. :)
Okay, moving to a slightly different topic. I have been wrestling a question for a couple of weeks now, and just recently came to peace about it. Since coming to Northwestern, my ways of showing love to people (and receiving it) have changed quite a bit. [For more elaboration on what that has looked like, check out this post Quality Time or Touchy Feely? ] The methods of showing love that I was restraining due to the lack of receptiveness from my wingmates turned out to be things that I had loved about myself before I learned to love ALL of me. These were traits and habits that people back home had pointed out as endearing and often they were some of the favorite things about me, according to my closest friends and my family.
This troubled me. Was I changing who I was as a person...in a bad way? Was I losing a part of me that I loved for unhealthy or unnecessary reasons? It brought me to tears once and hindered my regular thinking process dozens of times. I prayed, I asked questions of my closest friends on the wing, I called Marci, and talked to both of my siblings about it...still I was unsure.
Michael had some good words for me: “Perhaps you can find other ways to show love. Take me for example. I don't show love through touch. It's just the way I am. However, if I was with people who were that way all the time, I would have to make a few changes. Change isn't always bad. Even change as a person. That's how we grow. Change. Since we are supposed to love one another, we need to find a way to make it work. Learning to receive love in different ways and praying that others will do the same might be a way to help the predicament. Loving yourself is connected to loving others, but don't let a recalculation of how you love others get in the way of learning to love yourself. If you do, you'll hit a brick wall, and not be able to love yourself OR properly love on others."
While I attempted to digest all of that, I talked to Jess about it a few times. While neither of us were sure what to make of it, she did tell me that maybe it wasn't a bad thing that I was changing in this way. Marci didn't have too much to say about it besides "I'm sorry and I love you." (That probably was the best thing she could have said--'I love you,' I mean!) I finally decided to talk with Kali about it. After all, she is a really deep thinker and usually has something to say on topics that actually makes sense.
I set up a supper date with her on Friday night, hoping and praying that this would help clear up my confusion. When I presented the issue to her, Kali did indeed have something to say immediately. It's funny...when I express my thoughts right away, it's often a dangerous act because I think aloud most of the time. But when Kali does it, she has already thought about the topic before and has drawn conclusions ahead of time. That's probably one of the reasons I love talking to her...at least, when I want an opinion. ;)
She told me, in more words than Michael speaks in a day sometimes (just kidding, but it does seem that way!), basically the same thing that my brother had said. She explained that all of the people who loved those things about me had known me for much longer, and that was why they were more comfortable with it. "We've known you for four months! Sometimes it feels like longer than that, but it really hasn't been long enough to establish the same types of friendships."
I am summarizing quite a bit, I know. But the point of this post is to tell you that I am learning to accept that almost everyone here is not going to be receptive to my compliments, my hugs, and my saying "I love you" a lot. It isn't any easier for me to stop, but at least I am learning how to love these amazing women in ways that I never would have tried at home, simply because I hadn't thought of them.
So yeah. God is got. My brother is freakin' wise, and Kali Jo Wolkow is amazing and makes my life more interesting--always in a good way. :)
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